David Tuchman: Internet Funny Person

Deleted Lyrics from John Lennon’s “God”

• I don’t believe in time
• I don’t believe in existence
• I don’t believe in memory
• I don’t believe in haiku
• I don’t believe in pizza
• I don’t believe in plastics
• I don’t believe in toasters
• I don’t believe in kites
• I don’t believe in Yoko
• I don’t believe in yo-yos
• I don’t believe in robots
• I don’t believe in dentists
• I don’t believe in sandwiches
• I don’t believe in photosynthesis
• I don’t believe in Marlon Brando
• I don’t believe in instant oatmeal
• I don’t believe in clouds looking like animals
• I don’t believe in origami
• I don’t believe in Saskatchewan
• I don’t believe in typewriters
• I don’t believe in paper towels
• I don’t believe in tacos
• I don’t believe in the potential of television as an artistic form
• I don’t believe in Morse code
• I don’t believe in flannel
• I don’t believe in electricity
• I don’t believe in Zeus

Who wants to come to my Gatsby party in Queens this weekend?? First we’ll change our names to hide our secret pasts and then get in a big car and run over the wife of the guy who runs the gas station nearby! JUST LIKE IN THE ’20s!

Alternate Titles for the Film “We Need to Talk About Kevin”

• What’s the Deal with Kevin?
• The Adventures of Kevin the Unwanted Child
• Kooky Kevin
• Kevin is Kinda Weird
• Bow and Marrow
• Our Idiot Son
• I Think That Kevin Kid is A Little, You Know, Off
• You and I Should Really Sit Down and Have a Conversation About Our Son Kevin
• Let’s Rap. Topic: Kevin
• The Boy Who Was Not Normal
• Sociopathic Son
• That’s So Kevin!
• David Byrne Presents: Psycho Killer
• The Kevin Conversations
• Honey, We’re Terrible Parents
• Lucky Number Kevin
• Um…
• Bad Parenting: The Movie
• We Really Should Talk About the Fact that Kevin is Kind of a Psychopath
• Home Alone 6

Wouldn’t it be funny if, after December 21, 2012 passes without incident, the world is finally awoken to the One True Revelation: that even the Mayans got it wrong; there’s no God or salvation, we’ve just burst forth accidentally on this chemical-strewn rock, are alone in the vast, empty universe, and nobody has any idea what the future holds or is coming to save us? And that led us to realize that despite our disparate languages and culture, the borders and differences between us are illusory and humankind can only survive the coldness of space through cooperation, compassion, and mutual understanding, thus ushering in a new era of worldwide peace and prosperity, PROVING THE MAYANS RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE? I think that’d be pretty ironic.