David Tuchman: Internet Funny Person

Deleted Lyrics from John Lennon's "God"

Sat, 18 May 2013 10:06:38 -0400

I don’t believe in time
I don’t believe in existence
I don’t believe in memory
I don’t believe in haiku
I don’t believe in pizza
I don’t believe in plastics
I don’t believe in toasters
I don’t believe in kites
I don’t believe in Yoko
I don’t believe in yo-yos
I don’t believe in robots
I don’t believe in dentists
I don’t believe in sandwiches
I don’t believe in photosynthesis
I don’t believe in Marlon Brando
I don’t believe in instant oatmeal
I don’t believe in clouds looking like animals
I don’t believe in origami
I don’t believe in Saskatchewan
I don’t believe in typewriters
I don’t believe in paper towels
I don’t believe in tacos
I don’t believe in the potential of television as an artistic form
I don’t believe in Morse code
I don’t believe in flannel
I don’t believe in electricity
I don’t believe in Zeus

Photo

Mon, 13 May 2013 11:35:10 -0400

omgwtfbible: See Chapter 8 Live! Chapter 8 Live! Do you live...

Fri, 10 May 2013 15:38:33 -0400

See Chapter 8 Live!

Chapter 8 Live!

Do you live in New York? Do you love OMGWTFBIBLE? Come be a part of our live…

View Post

A reminder that Chapter 8 of OMGWTFBIBLE is coming very very soon!

Who wants to come to my Gatsby party in Queens this weekend?? First we’ll change our names to...

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:33:00 -0400

Who wants to come to my Gatsby party in Queens this weekend?? First we’ll change our names to hide our secret pasts and then get in a big car and run over the wife of the guy who runs the gas station nearby! JUST LIKE IN THE ’20s!

annstreetstudio: Living in the Gatsby-esque grandeur of the...

Thu, 09 May 2013 12:12:07 -0400

annstreetstudio:

Living in the Gatsby-esque grandeur of the 1920s for just a night…

And then get shot in your pool because it’s all a lie GODDAMIT STOP MISREADING THIS BOOK.

OMGWTFBIBLE: The Apocalypse is Coming, So Why Save the World?

Fri, 03 May 2013 12:15:31 -0400

OMGWTFBIBLE: The Apocalypse is Coming, So Why Save the World?:

omgwtfbible:

One of my favorite pet theories about Republican opposition to action on climate change goes this way: many religious Republicans believe strongly in end-times prophecies and therefore has absolutely no incentive to do anything to stop climate change. After all, if God’s going to destroy the world…

Yikes!

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT NEWS! I am proud to announce to all you...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 10:00:43 -0400

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT NEWS!

I am proud to announce to all you wonderful tumblr folks that my very first comedy single, “In the Hole,” is now available! This single is a short piece of fan fiction I wrote about HBO’s “The Wire.” Enjoy!

This is the first single from my new self-produced comedy album, “Vex and Silence,” which will be released on the Internet on June 24. GET EXCITE.

A Questionnaire for Potential Lovers

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:15:00 -0400

by Colin Blunstone of The Zombies

What’s your name?
Who’s your daddy?
Is he rich like me?
(optional) Has he taken any time to show you what you need to live?

omgwtfbible: Behold! Chapter 7 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Lonnie...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:35:51 -0400

omgwtfbible:

Behold! Chapter 7 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Lonnie Mann is now available!!

In which all sorts of sexy things (and one very unsexy one) happen

There are so many ways to listen!

Direct link is here.

You can also: listen above, subscribe in iTunes, subscribe via RSS, or listen via Stitcher!

New episode!!

Photo

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 22:37:02 -0400

"Heavenly fire no longer falls on corrupted cities. It is the camera lens that, like a laser, comes..."

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 10:31:06 -0400

“Heavenly fire no longer falls on corrupted cities. It is the camera lens that, like a laser, comes to pierce lived reality in order to put it to death.”

- Jean Baudrillard - Simulacra and Simulations

(via basedheisenberg)

omgwtfbible: Last night, before the show, I felt compelled to...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 13:34:38 -0400

omgwtfbible:

Last night, before the show, I felt compelled to address the terrorist attacks in Boston that day. To start the show without talking about that tragedy felt wrong. Since I was recording, I’ve released my remarks as a special podcast episode.

It’s available in Stitcher, iTunes, RSS, direct download, and streaming above.

My statements, as prepared (I deviated a bit in the recording), appear below:

There’s something I need to address. As you hear this, this happened more than a week ago, but just a few hours ago, there were two explosions at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. We don’t really know anything right now. Two people are dead and there are reports of over a hundred wounded.

This is awful and has made me sick to my stomach. My heart goes out to everyone affected by these apparently deliberate attacks. I have family in Boston and I got in touch with them and they’re ok—but there are a lot of people who aren’t.

These was a moment this afternoon when I considered cancelling tonight’s show. Something about my taking such a cavalier attitude to a text so many people consider sacred in the wake of such a tragedy seemed a bit insensitive.

But then I realized that’s exactly why I should perform tonight.

This book is at the center of millions of peoples’ ideologies. For a lot of the world, morality is driven by the book I’m going to make fun of tonight. And sometimes, some people (a very small minority, but some) stand so firm in their ideologies, whether they come from this book or not, that they reject all other points of view. And they kill.

You’ll see seemingly righteous killing in this month’s chapter. And a lot of people base certain moral judgements on what we’re about to read. Part of the reason this show must go on is to point out the ambiguity that exists even within this ideology—that those who stake a claim to absolute truth and morality might just be mistaken. And if they are, they probably shouldn’t condemn anyone. Or kill them.

The other reason, and this is more of a traditional reading than I usually do in this show, is because of the conversation Avraham has with God. As you’ll see, Avraham convinces Yehovah to spare the cities of S’dom and G’mora if He can 10 innocent men within.

Presumably God, if you believe in Him, knows what lies in the hearts of men. He is the only entity that can know whether a soul is truly innocent. And he relents for the sake of 10 innocents. How can anyone, especially one who professes a belief in an Almighty, possibly claim to know what lies in the hearts of others and condemn countless times more than 10 innocents to death—when even God wouldn’t do such a thing?

Could someone make this a movie?

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 18:18:14 -0400

bunnytownjustice:

A princess kisses a frog and the frog turns into Prince.

I second this request.

11 Surprising Bible Passages

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 16:43:49 -0400

11 Surprising Bible Passages:

omgwtfbible:

I just launched a Buzzfeed! Now all your favorite OMGWTFBIBLE moments are in easy-to-share list form!

I made a Buzzfeed to promote my podcast! Check it out! LISTS!

OMGWTFBIBLE: OMGWTFBIBLE in New Voices

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 10:41:20 -0400

OMGWTFBIBLE: OMGWTFBIBLE in New Voices:

omgwtfbible:

About a month ago, I had a conversation with Catie Damon of New Voices Magazine about the podcast, my upbringing, the mythologies we create, and a not-very-eloquent post I made here a few months ago. New Voices had some very nice things to say about the show:

Each month on this…

I was in an Internet magazine!

Alternate Titles for the Film "We Need to Talk About Kevin"

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 21:16:00 -0400

What’s the Deal with Kevin?
The Adventures of Kevin the Unwanted Child
Kooky Kevin
Kevin is Kinda Weird
Bow and Marrow
Our Idiot Son
I Think That Kevin Kid is A Little, You Know, Off
You and I Should Really Sit Down and Have a Conversation About Our Son Kevin
Let’s Rap. Topic: Kevin
The Boy Who Was Not Normal
Sociopathic Son
That’s So Kevin!
David Byrne Presents: Psycho Killer
The Kevin Conversations
Honey, We’re Terrible Parents
Lucky Number Kevin
Um…
Bad Parenting: The Movie
We Really Should Talk About the Fact that Kevin is Kind of a Psychopath
Home Alone 6

whathappened: kfan: OK by now you’ve seen this article in The...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 13:45:35 -0400

whathappened:

kfan:

OK by now you’ve seen this article in The Onion and been like UGH TOO REAL. Yes! It is too real. It is painful and we recognize ourselves and the choices we have made in this article.

But I think the reason this article is painful is because culturally we define success in such a weird and outdated way. There’s this idea that if you’re not doing what you’re most passionate about all the time, you’re a failure. If you aren’t make a living at it, you’re a failure. If you’re not Stephen King or Christina Aguilera, you’re a failure. And I think we grew up in this kind of 50-year pop culture bubble where we saw many people becoming huge megastars, actors and singers and writers and whatever else. And part of the disconnect we have now about what we should pay for music and books and movies, and how these things should be funded, are tied up with these questions about what we owe to ourselves, and what we feel society & culture owe to us, and the media value we assign to certain “professions”.

I was having dinner with Mary-Kim the other night and we talked a lot about how much more successful as writers we would feel if we didn’t give a shit about our families and lives. I might have gotten farther faster as a writer if that’s all I ever did or thought about, but like, so what? Is that a good model for how a person should live their life? It’s not that I love my day job all the time, but it’s a thing that someone needs to be doing, same as a lot of people’s jobs. And it’s not like me and my job and my writing are completely separate and siloed aspects of my self. My creativity is a thing that comes out in my writing on the internet, in my parenting, and in the rejection letters I send as part of my day job. That’s kind of a success, right? Albeit not one that sells magazines or drives clicks.

Maybe it’s not useful to define one person as the garbage collector and one person as the singer. Maybe everyone is a lot of things. Maybe the self-obsessed celebrity artist culture isn’t that helpful or useful. Maybe eventually we get to a place where we see that books and music and art are created by us, people who have school and day jobs and other shit we care about. And we’re not rich celebrities, and we are all always being pulled in different directions, but we’re present and engaged with the people in our lives? And we value what we contribute as much as what we create? And we create things because want to, and not because we have expectations for what it will get us, or how it will cause society to value us? And we don’t berate and hate ourselves for the very human failure of having a lot of complicated shit to juggle in our lives? That might be kind of cool?

Straight slow clappin’ over this wisdom from Fanning.

I don’t write for fame. I don’t write for recognition. If it makes me money, that’s nice, but that’s not why I do it. I write to write. I write so the ideas in my head are given concrete form. Everything else, if it happens, is a bonus.

aspiringpolymath: kateoplis: “All of your favorite shows are...

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 15:19:28 -0400

aspiringpolymath:

kateoplis:

“All of your favorite shows are ratings dogs. Breaking Bad, Girls, Mad Men—each struggles to get a Nielsen score higher than 3, representing about 8.7 million viewers. And it’s not just cable. NBC’s 30 Rock struggled to top a score of 2.5, and Parks and Recreation rarely cracks Nielsen’s top 25. There are two possible conclusions to draw from these facts: (1) All these shows should be canceled, or (2) maybe the ratings are measuring the wrong thing. Since the 1970s, television has been ruled by the Nielsen Family—25,000 households whose TV habits collectively provide a statistical snapshot of a nation’s viewing behavior. Over the years, the Nielsen rating has been tweaked, but it still serves one fundamental purpose: to gauge how many people are watching a given show on a conventional television set. But that’s not how we watch any more. Hulu, Netflix, Apple TV, Amazon Prime, Roku, iTunes, smartphone, tablet—none of these platforms or devices are reflected in the Nielsen rating. (In February Nielsen announced that this fall it would finally begin including Internet streaming to TV sets in its ratings.)

And the TV experience doesn’t stop when the episode ends. We watch with tablets on our laps so we can look up an actor’s IMDb page. We tweet about the latest plot twist (discreetly, to avoid spoilers). We fill up the comments section of our favorite online recappers. We kibitz with Facebook friends about Hannah Horvath’s latest paramour. We start Tumblrs devoted to Downton decor. We’re engaging with a show even if we aren’t watching it, but none of this behavior factors into Nielsen’s calculation of its impact.”

The Nielsen Family Is Dead | Wired

YES. THANK YOU. I’ve only been saying this for the past five years.

SERIOUSLY. How is this dumb company still running everything?

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Fri, 15 Mar 2013 16:50:56 -0400

liartownusa: Everybody Has a Penis

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 17:23:34 -0500

liartownusa:

Everybody Has a Penis