David Tuchman: Internet Funny Person

Pleasant amusement and occasional sincerity

May 18

Deleted Lyrics from John Lennon’s “God”

  • I don’t believe in time
  • I don’t believe in existence
  • I don’t believe in memory
  • I don’t believe in haiku
  • I don’t believe in pizza
  • I don’t believe in plastics
  • I don’t believe in toasters
  • I don’t believe in kites
  • I don’t believe in Yoko
  • I don’t believe in yo-yos
  • I don’t believe in robots
  • I don’t believe in dentists
  • I don’t believe in sandwiches
  • I don’t believe in photosynthesis
  • I don’t believe in Marlon Brando
  • I don’t believe in instant oatmeal
  • I don’t believe in clouds looking like animals
  • I don’t believe in origami
  • I don’t believe in Saskatchewan
  • I don’t believe in typewriters
  • I don’t believe in paper towels
  • I don’t believe in tacos
  • I don’t believe in the potential of television as an artistic form
  • I don’t believe in Morse code
  • I don’t believe in flannel
  • I don’t believe in electricity
  • I don’t believe in Zeus

Posted at 10:06 AM 2 notes Tagged: John Lennonthe beatlesgodoh my godmusicthe 60sthe 70shumorcomedylolreligionatheismatheistreligious

May 13
Posted at 11:35 AM 219 notes
Source: oldfilmsflicker

May 10
omgwtfbible: See Chapter 8 Live! Chapter 8 Live! Do you live in New York? Do you love OMGWTFBIBLE? Come be a part of our live… View Post A reminder that Chapter 8 of OMGWTFBIBLE is coming very very soon!

omgwtfbible:

See Chapter 8 Live!

Chapter 8 Live!

Do you live in New York? Do you love OMGWTFBIBLE? Come be a part of our live…

View Post

A reminder that Chapter 8 of OMGWTFBIBLE is coming very very soon!
Posted at 3:38 PM 4 notes Tagged: biblejewishjewjudaismcomedypodcastlivei made this
Source: omgwtfbible

Who wants to come to my Gatsby party in Queens this weekend?? First we’ll change our names to hide our secret pasts and then get in a big car and run over the wife of the guy who runs the gas station nearby! JUST LIKE IN THE ’20s!

Posted at 12:33 PM 20 notes Tagged: partygatsbythe great gatsbyfitzgeraldF. Scott Fitzgeraldliteratureleonardo di capriocomedyloli made this

May 9

annstreetstudio:

Living in the Gatsby-esque grandeur of the 1920s for just a night…

And then get shot in your pool because it’s all a lie GODDAMIT STOP MISREADING THIS BOOK.
Posted at 12:12 PM 563 notes Tagged: great gatsbyfitzgerald
Source: annstreetstudio

May 3

OMGWTFBIBLE: The Apocalypse is Coming, So Why Save the World?

omgwtfbible:

One of my favorite pet theories about Republican opposition to action on climate change goes this way: many religious Republicans believe strongly in end-times prophecies and therefore has absolutely no incentive to do anything to stop climate change. After all, if God’s going to destroy the world…

Yikes!

Posted at 12:15 PM 3 notes
Source: omgwtfbible

Apr 30

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT NEWS!

I am proud to announce to all you wonderful tumblr folks that my very first comedy single, “In the Hole,” is now available! This single is a short piece of fan fiction I wrote about HBO’s “The Wire.” Enjoy!

This is the first single from my new self-produced comedy album, “Vex and Silence,” which will be released on the Internet on June 24. GET EXCITE.
Posted at 10:00 AM 2 notes Tagged: i made thiscomedythe wirejimmy mcnultyhbobaltimorefan fictioncedric danielsfandomslashfictionalbumsingle
Source: SoundCloud / David Tuchman

Apr 26

A Questionnaire for Potential Lovers

by Colin Blunstone of The Zombies
  1. What’s your name?
  2. Who’s your daddy?
  3. Is he rich like me?
  4. (optional) Has he taken any time to show you what you need to live?

Posted at 10:15 AM 72 notes Tagged: the zombiestime of the seasonwho's your daddycolin blunstone'60shippypsychedeliacomedyi made this

Apr 24

omgwtfbible:

Behold! Chapter 7 of OMGWTFBIBLE with Lonnie Mann is now available!!

In which all sorts of sexy things (and one very unsexy one) happen

There are so many ways to listen!

Direct link is here.

You can also: listen above, subscribe in iTunes, subscribe via RSS, or listen via Stitcher!

New episode!!
Posted at 3:35 PM 2 notes
Source: omgwtfbible

Apr 18

(via aspiringpolymath)
Posted at 10:37 PM 339 notes
Source: you-and-oblivion

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